Progression

One year passed. Again. Strange that Spring gets me going.

So many things in place now.

The job - not what I thought I wanted, but finding I actually like it. Plus the money ain't bad and in this economy I count myself lucky.

The house - forever a work in progress, but truly my oasis when I let it be so. Which is almost never.

The dog(s!) - a new little man to keep us company and destroy random objects in the house.

Maybe I should stop with the weird choppy prose and just write.

My little anonymous space.
I can't say I've missed you at all, but I'm glad you're here when I need you.

Feel good

Bright sun
shining on my mood
warming it up
despite the actual cold outside

so many things going well
so many things to be happy about

is that why I fear losing something
or someone

eh, doesn't matter today
today I just feel good

yes or no

What to do

Conversation needed
scary

Kinda want to
but also would be OK if not

fear
of poor health
of trouble
of falling into the abyss
of not having help

surrounded by inspiration
and time is running out

Am I still interested?

This is about right - One year lapse.

Too much to do!

New house
new job?
re-newed marriage

tried to go down by half
very difficult
will this ever work if a decision is made?

maybe not
may have to look outside
to fill what's inside

154 days

the world moves fast

little steps
getting there

keep moving

twisting turning

Twisting and turning
so much to do
so many roles to fill

wife
friend
job seeker
home buyer
money saver
daughter
self reliant person

getting there
moving forward

lots of lists in my mind
twisting
turning

The lie

The lie

Twisting and turning
over and over in my mind

Not told, but ready
ready as an answer
as an excuse

not for sympathy
but for more time

more time to straighten things out

the storm really does keep on twisting
'cause I'm building yet another lie
to make up for all that I lack

At least today there's movement
action
progress

appointments made
emails sent
work going on

but the time to tell the lie may be coming
or it may not be necessary
depends I guess but not on me

either way it's ready

and one day I'm going to regret going back to this particular lie
karma is a bitch
and she may bite me hard when the time comes

listen and move

time
wasting
wasting away

so much planned
so much to do
so much that could make things better

too much time
not enough time
waste of fucking time

I walk around inside my head
screaming
begging for me to wake up
to just do it
do anything
do what I keep wanting to do
do that list that's been around for years
and years
and years

So many things I could do
to be better
feel better
look better
work better
love better

I'm so helpful to everyone
such a great teacher
a great leader
a great mentor
except to myself

I have the words
words
words
advice for days weeks and years
but no ears to hear it

no there are ears
just no legs
to arms
no desire?
no
plenty of desire
just no action
FROZEN

still

unmoving


and frustrated

no angel

Spend all my time waiting for that second chance
for a break that would make it OK

There's always some reason to feel not good enough
and its hard at the end of the day

The storm keeps on twisting
I keep on building the lies that I make up for all that I lack

don't make no difference

174

What to say
What to do
What to be

I know it all

In my head
In my heart

But I can't get there
I can't even try to get there

I'm frozen
Null

But looking for help
Inspiration
Motivation
Action
Forward motion

I want to be
the person I think I am
the person other people think I am
the person I think I should be
the person I know I could be

If I could just get there
get there
just get there

174 days.